Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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