Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
