I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
