I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
