i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
