After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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