I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
