I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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