dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
