for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
