I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my poor anus
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
