Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
