Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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