I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
