You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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