I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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