this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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