I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize