One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
