I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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