He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Are my feet made of real feet?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
