With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
