tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
