this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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