come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
