Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
