you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
