Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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