Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
