I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
