i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
