: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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