THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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