Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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