oh god the rape fog is back!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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