whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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