I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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