There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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