the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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