Screwed.edu
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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