i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
farters have to be the big spoon...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
