i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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