OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
