Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
