I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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