last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Quick, to the slutcave!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
