I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
