Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
