I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
