you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
