Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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