i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
