Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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