my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
