I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We have started to decorate penises.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
