i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
