fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
