I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
